Blunt and to the Point!
by Vampobbit1107
Summary: SEX ED AT HOGWARTS. We know we have dirty, dirty minds
1. Chapter 1

**Summer: First and foremost, we own absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.**

**Mandy: She means it. We don't even own any dignity.**

**Summer: As you shall soon see in this lovely story of ours, which we worked so painstakingly hard to write for you, our lovely and most preciousssss readers. My prrrecioussss...**

**Mandy: Now Summer, you promised that phase of your life was over. No more Gollum for Summer. Sorry, folks, she's a bit of an Lord of the Rings freak. Now, read, my minions! READ!**

One fine morning at Hogwarts School if Witchcraft and Wizardry, the students rose merrily from their beds and skipped down to the Great Hall for a lovely breakfast. Blossoming flowers of innocence though they were, it would not always be so. As it was, the impending date of their corruption loomed startlingly close.

Harry Potter, a young gentleman of thirteen (and his two dear friends Ron and Hermione) approached the grandly arched doorway to the Great Hall. "Look at this," exclaimed Ron. He pointed to an aged piece of parchment stuck magically to the door. On said parchment, in Dumbledore's graceful hand, was this note:

_Dear students of Hogwarts,_

_I am pleased to inform you that those lucky pupils who are third year and up will be attending a new class this term. Every Monday and Friday for the rest of the year, you will report to the Great Hall for Healthy Sexual Education. Sadly, however, it has not yet been decided who will be teaching this exciting new corse. But I have the utmost confidence that the wisest corse of action will be identified as soon as possible._

_Yours, most affectionately, Professor Dumledore._

"Gee, Harry, what do you think they mean by 'Healthy Sexual Education'?" inquired Collin Creevey, a sprightly second year.

"Dunno," Harry mumbled. His aunt and uncle had never been especially concerned with his education. It would not have surprised him if they had neglected to fill him in on this particular concept.

"Whatever it is, it sounds fascinating," commented Hermione, after a slightly uncomfortable pause.

"For you maybe," Ron replied haughtily, "I had to get the talk from Fred and George. You can imagine how much fun that was."

"Count your blessing, Ron," said Fred as he and George appeared beside them, "we had to get the talk from _Percy._"

"A sheer nightmare," George added, "keep that in mind, you ungrateful bastard."

"Besides, you were starting Hogwarts. You needed to learn how to use your wand," informed Fred.

Ron blushed flamingly.

**Mandy: While you are kindly reviewing, feel free to guess how many times Summer said the word 'dammit' while typing our little masterpiece.**

**Summer: Because you will review, won't you? I mean not that you have any obligation or anything. it's just... I love you.**


	2. The Teachers React

**Mandy: You are all probably thinking that we're going to HELL.**

**Summer: Sorry to tell you this, but we're already there. :)**

**Mandy: It's quite nice, but if you come for a visit, be sure to bring your sunscreen. It's a little warm.**

**Summer: We're at the pool, sipping ice cold cocktails. At a cocktail party, with cocktails. **

**Mandy: Jealous?**

**Summer: Anyway enough sharing how nice hell is. On with the story.**

**Mandy: We've been over this before, we own absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.**

**XXX**

Dumbledore entered the Teacher's Lounge with a twinkle in his eye and a smile plastered on his face. He was wearing a striking set of blue dress robes that just so happened to match his eyes. His mood was as bright and cheerful as his clothing. The other teachers, regrettably, were not in such good spirits. Why, you might ask? It was a beautiful Saturday morning and they were stuck inside the castle, deciding the fate of the poor bastard who would have to teach sex ed to the student body. The children, they believed were, undeserving of such a cruel and torturous ordeal. Even Professor Snape, who always had enjoyed torturing the children, but this was over the top and it affected him too.

"Good morning, staff!" a gleeful Headmaster greeted a frowning audience. The teachers offered no reply. They just wanted to get this meeting over with and the hell away from Dumbledore and his crazy ideas.

"I realize not all of you are as optimistic as I about this new coarse, "Dumbledore went on, not phased by their reactions.

"You can say that again," came a mumble from Professor Snape's general direction.

"But I assure you that it will be one of the most enriching experiences of your lives thus far." Dumbledore went on, ignoring the comment. "I know that I'm looking forward to the day I'll be teaching."

"Wait," interrupted Professor Mcgonagall through pursed lips. "What do you mean the day you teach?

"Well, my dear professor, since I can't find a permanent teacher to fill the post, I've decided that we will all get a chance to widen the horizons of our students' knowledge on this particular topic." It sounded to some of the teachers as if Dumbledore thought they would be happy about this.

"This only leaves the small decision of who will be the first to have the honor of teaching," Dumbledore announced.

"I have an idear," Hagrid growled.

"Yes, dear Hagrid," Dumbledore said invitingly.

"Let's play spin the wand!" Hagrid stood up excitedly to voice his epic pronouncement, not fully understanding what was going on.

"Brilliant idea!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "The first one to kiss the headmaster wins."

Dumbledore levitated his wand into the air, and it began to spin. All the teachers (except Hagrid) were holding their breath and praying to god it wouldn't land on them.

And of coarse the unlucky (or lucky, as some might call it) professor is...

**Summer: We know we're mean. And this time Mandy typed so feel free to guess how many times she swore.**

**Mandy: Thankyou everyone who reviewed. And for anyone who's wondering, Summer said dammit 30 times.**

**Summer: Please review! I love you so much!**


	3. Poor Ronald

**Summer: I think I might have to divorce Draco. I reread the books and figured out something profound about his character: He's an ass.**

**Mandy: You can't judge him on his looks.**

**Summer: No. I want to marry the readers. They are my single reason for being alive. And you, of course. And finishing our little masterpiece here.**

**Mandy: I think you're creeping them out.**

**Summer: YOU'RE creeping them out! You wear a jacket...**

**Mandy: You might be wearing a STRAIGHTjacket in a moment. Anyway, on with the story.**

**Summer: I don't own a straightjacket. Or Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, or any dignity. We've already had this conversation.**

The unlucky Professor was Snape.

The students, Third Years and up, shuffled into the Great Hall in much curiosity, still not knowing what Dumbledore had in store for them.

"They never told us who would be teaching," Hermione said for the thirtieth time in the past few days.

"I'll be fine as long as it's not any of my brothers," Ron replied. He, being the only one who knew the truth of what lay ahead, seemed horrified. He had been pale and trembling all weekend. but refused to tell anyone of the horrific events he had endured. And that he knew he would have to endure again.

"_I'll _be fine as long as it's not Snape," said Harry, "Anyone but that Daddy-hating-bastard!"

In walked Snape. He was mumbling something to the general effect of being tired of the old man and his big ideas.

And his stupid kissing games.

"Ooh, I bet Professor Snape will give us a very straight forward explanation," said Hermione.

Harry sat down silently, resigned to his fate, and stemming the flow of curse words fighting to break free. As Ron and Hermione sat down for their lesson, the Weasley twins joined them at the Gryffindore table.

"Hello, twin corruptors of my virtue," Ron greeted them glumly.

"You know, you're going to have to give the talk to Ginny," Fred pointed out. There was not a trace of sympathy in his voice.

Ron's eye twitched a few times with this realization, before he fell off his bench and onto the marble floor (which was not very comfortable). As Harry and Hermione helped him up, George offered his condolence:

"You could always demonstrate with a fanged Frisbee and a toy wand, like we did."

"Merlin's pants!" Ron shouted, falling back on the bench, his face as red as his hair. The entire Great Hall turned to regard him for a few seconds.

Harry frowned. "What did they do with the fanged frisbee and the toy-"

"Don't say those words to me!" Ron commanded.

Fred and George piped up: "Well you see, we took the wand and the-"

"DON'T!" Ron interrupted, "I'll tell Mom."

"She was the one who told us to give you the talk in the first place," George informed him.

"SILENCE!" Snape shrieked. "It is time for the terror- I mean lesson to begin."

**Summer: Alright, m'dears. Mandy swore twenty-seven times typing up that last one.**

**Mandy: Shocker. Less than you.**

**Summer: The keyboard was being mean to me.**

**Mandy: Well, the computer froze for me!**

**Summer: Yes, but I think we can agree that your word choices were slightly more profane than mine.**

**Mandy: I'm not going say anything to that.**

**Summer: Anyhoo... Special thanks to everyone who reviewed! Now if you would please review again?**

**...**

**Summer: I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR-**

**Mandy: Summer?... come put on your straightjacket.**

**Summer: You'll never take me alive! -runs off-**


	4. Snape's Lesson

**Mandy: I hear voices in my head.**

**Summer: I hear them too. What are they saying?**

**Mandy: " What am I eating?" **

** "Dragon Balls."**

** "You just earned yourself a week's detention Mclagen."**

**Summer: Sounds like Snape.**

**Mandy: SNAPES IN MY HEAD! :)**

**Summer: He can't be there, he has to teach the lesson.**

**Mandy: We own nothing.**

**Summer: Let the show begin.**

"Professor Snape, what's healthy sexual education?" Neville inquired innocently.

"Well that's none of your business, Longbottom." Snape answered in his regular monotone.

Hermione's hand hit the air with a force just like a Weasley child running away before getting the talk from their older brother.

"But, Professor, you're supposed to teach us about..."

"Stop being a know it all, one hundred million points from Gryffindore!" Snape Bellowed.

"That's cruel and unusual punishment!" Harry roared, jumping onto the table, "Are we going to stand for this injustice?" he demanded of his fellow students, "I think not! I say we start an armed revolt against Snape and all of Slytherin kind!"

"That is a battle you shall lose!" declared Malfoy, also jumping onto the table, "My Daddy can buy victory!"

"Your Daddy's a pussy!"

"Your Daddy _has_ a pussy!"

"Ten points to Slytherin," announced Snape.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY FATHER THAT WAY!" Harry shrieked.

Malfoy replied to him with the same.

"ENOUGH!" Snape interjected, "Enough talk about whose father is superior. Although, I believe we all know the answer." He looked pointedly at Malfoy. "It's time," he continued with a grimace, "to start the lesson."

Harry and Draco both jumped down from their tables and sat down with their respective possies. They would allow their curiosity to get the better of them, just this once.

Snape proceeded to stumble through a muttered explanation of sex with many pauses and much stuttering. When he had concluded his speech, the students all stared at him, uncomprehending.

"Wait," Malfoy whispered to Crabbe and Goyle, "Girls don't _have one_?"

"Have what?" asked Pansy Parkinson.

The rest of the class continued to watch Snape, hoping for a more understandable lecture.

Snape sighed and wished, not for the first time that day, for death. "The boy puts his ladle in the girl's cauldron and... stirs. And adds his own ingredients. Or at least, that's how it works if some bastard doesn't come waltzing in and steals your girl."

"Ohh..." The entire class chorused. The Professor watched helplessly as understanding dawned in their eyes.

There was a short pause, then the children began hurling questions at him like curses:

"Professor, have you ever done it?"

"How many women have you had?"

"How many _men?_"

Snape turned red. "That's enough... enough! Avada Kedavra!" He realized, too late, that he was not actually holding his wand.

There was another short stretch of silence, and then the Great Hall erupted in chaos. "Snape sleeps with men!" could be heard from more than one table. The Slytherins and Gryffindores made good on their mutual threat to start a war. This total lawlessness continued until the bell rang, releasing the students. they filed out, leaving Snape alone with his memories.

Later that evening, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in their usual spots around the fire in the Gryffindore Common Room. Ginny walked over and sat down by Ron's feet. "How was the lesson?" she asked.

Ron blushed flamingly, stood up, mumbled something about ladles and cauldrons, and stormed off to bed.

**Mandy: We know you're reading the story, now REVIEW! It's not too hard.**

**Summer: Excuse her, she doesn't love you the way I do. Seriously. After we graduate college, I mean to marry you and we will have many long years of happiness and children thereafter. Now, if you'll just hit that pretty little review button...**


	5. Hagrid's Understanding

**Mandy: Aww...**

**Summer: What is it, m'dear?**

**Mandy: I miss Snape.**

**Summer: I miss my sanity.**

**Mandy: How can you miss your sanity when you were never sane?**

**Summer: I daydream about it sometimes, imagine what it's like. What kind of music it listens to, whether it went to college... I still have hope that one day we will be reunited.**

**Mandy: But you were never introduced.**

**Summer: I wrote a letter to it once.**

**Mandy: Where does it live?**

**Summer: In the depths of the ancient Forest of Fangorn among the Hobbits and the Ents. He is very happy there but, alas, the Age of Elves is almost over and the Age of Men aproaches. Soon, he will have to leave Middle Earth. He's thinking about Hogwarts.**

**Mandy: Speaking of Hogwarts, let's get on with the story. We don't own Harry Potter. Or Lord of the Rings. Or, sadly, sanity.**

On the beautiful Friday morning which happened to follow the Monday of Snape's torturous lesson, Professor Hagrid sat at his table. He had been delighted to learn that it was he who was to teach Healthy Sexual Education to his beloved students on this fine afternoon. He was happily occupied with the task of planning his much anticipated lesson, when a knock sounded at his door. Recognising the cheerful signature knock of the Headmaster, he hurried to answer.

"Good morning, my dear Hagrid!" Professor Dumbledore greeted him, as he stepped inside. "I was merely joining you in order to monitor the progress of your lesson plan, and perhaps for a spot of tea. Or a large brandy."

"Got it all figgered out," Hagrid responded proudly, "Gonna 'ave 'em feed flobber worms, I am. An' then if ther good, at the end, they c'n play dodgeball."

Dumbledore smiled sadly. "Professor Hagrid, there is, I believe, something I've been neglecting to inform you of. And I'm afraid it's rather important to today's lesson."

"What it is, Professor?" Hagrid asked thoughtfully.

"Why don't you come up to my office, dear Hagrid? And I shall explain it to you."

XXX

The children of Professor Hagrid's class were somewhat perplexed, seeing as how the lesson had been schedualed to begin half an hour ago and Hagrid had not yet made an appearance.

"I do hope Hagrid is alright," Hermione fretted.

"I'm sure he's just fine," Harry assured her, "he probably just heard what happened when Snape was teaching and didn't want any part of it."

"I don't want to tell Ginny..." muttered Ron, not for the first time.

Harry patted him on the shoulder and Hermione was about to say something comforting, when Hagrid finally ambled into the Great Hall. He looked as though he had been petrified. Dumbledore's filling him in on the subject had caused Hagrid a bit more shock than the Headmaster had bargained for. The poor Care of Magical Creatures teacher had apparently never been subject to a sex talk before.

"Blimey Hagrid, are you alright?" asked the always gallant Harry Potter.

"You look as though you've seen a Basilisk, mate," added Seamus Finnigan, over the sniggering of the Slytherins at their table.

The Professor didn't answer, but stumbled feebly to the front of the room and proceeded to curl up into a fetal position on his desk. Which promplty broke underneath him.

Professor Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey, having heard the thunderous crash of splintering wood, hurried to the Great Hall. Entering, they saw the students in total lawlessness.

"Gracious me!" exclaimed Madame Pomfrey, "What has happened here?"

"We killed Hagrid," squeaked a whitefaced Neville.

"Merlin's Beard," said Madame Pomfrey, catching sight of Hagrid's trembling form and rushing over to examine him. "This man appears to be in shock," she concluded, "What is the meaning of this?"

"I'm afraid this is my doing, Madame Pomfrey," Dumledore confessed, "I tried to explain the facts of life to Professor Hagrid, and his reaction wasn't quite as jolly as I had hoped."

"Ah," said Madame Pomfrey, "Yes, well, either way, he needs to be brought to the hospital wing immediately."

As she and Dumbledore dragged Hagrid away, none of them seemed to notice the two children fighting on the floor. Harry and Malfoy were locked in combat, each intent on causing the other as much pain as possible.

"Take it back!" wailed Harry, trying to pull Draco's painstakingly greased golden locks out of his head. A clump of blond hair was sent soaring across the room. Pansy Parkinson was quick to run after it.

"I _won't_ take it back," insisted Draco, "Only a moron would go into shock after hearing a sex talk! He broke the _desk_! Stupid bastard... Gah!" This speech was cut short as Harry commenced bashing Draco's head against the marble floor.

"Stop this fighting!" yelled Professor Dumbledore as he swept back into the Great hall. Harry gave Malfoy's head one more bash against the floor, before getting off him and turning to look innocently at the Headmaster.

"Am I in trouble?" Harry asked sadly with his head hanging.

"No of coarse not, dear boy!" laughed the old man, "it's not as though you killed him. Why, look this boy is perfectly fine." He gestured toward Draco who was twitching in a pool of blood, with half his hair missing and both eyes staring in different directions.

"And I'll bet he learned some valuable life lessons," continued Dumbledore, "One hundred million points to Gryffindore! Miss Parkinson, would you be so kind as to escort Mister Malfoy to the infermary?"

Pansy Parkinson nodded tearfully. She took both of Draco's ankles while Crabbe and Goyle each took an arm. Together, the three of them managed to drag him from the room.

"My, what a lot of casualties we're having today," observed Dumbledore, "Why, just this morning, Mister Filch was caught, inexplicably, in a vortex of pure happiness and driven quite mad by all the pretty ponies and smiling rainbows. By the time we managed to get him out, he was raving, poor man. He is now in the hospital wing, in the company of Mister Malfoy and Professor Hagrid, determindly trying to slit his wrists on his pillow."

Fred and George bowed their heads, concealing torrents of laughter.

Dumbledore continued: "As Madame Pomfrey is the one person who absolutely cannot leave the hospital wing without jeapordizing the safety of these three unfortunates, she will be joining you in the Great Hall for your lesson shortly."

**Summer: I've noted an interesting fact. With every gorgeous chapter, we upload more words. And, amazingly, recieve less reviews.**

**Mandy: You're right. You people need to start reviewing!**

**Summer: I shall make you a deal. I will stop being increasingly creepy with my declarations of love for you readers if you leave us a little message for our efforts. The review button is downward and to the right.**

**Mandy: Take the Deal! Reaview! _Save your selves!_**

**Summer: Or I'm afraid I shall have to become even creepier.**


	6. Madame Pomfrey takes over

**Mandy: AAAHH!**

**Summer: What is it?**

**Mandy: I just saw my reflection in the mirror!**

**Summer: That's not a mirror...**

**Mandy: It's not?**

**Summer: No, it's a portal to an alternate dimension where _Twilight_ is the Bible.**

**Mandy: WTF**

**Summer: Look, we're being arrested for heracy! They're chopping our heads off because we slandered the name of Cullen!**

**Mandy: NOO! Down with _Twilight_ and long live Harry Potter!**

**Summer: We happily don't own Twilight and sadly don't own Harry Potter. Or Bibles or mirrors. Or heads, apparently.**

**Mandy: On with the story!**

Madame Pomfrey marched through the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry wearing a scowl so fierce that even the Dark Lord Voldemort would have cowered at the sight of it. She was not pleased with the students' reactions to this absurd Healthy Sexual Education idea. The Hospital Wing had been seeing many more patients in need of treatment for shock than usual since the previous Monday. But Porfessor Hagrid was by far the worst case she had seen since the Herpes Epidemic of '64 (A/N: Wizard Herpes is much worse than Muggle Herpes, it has several unplesant magical side-effects and it affects your brain as well as your genitals). Profossor Dumbledore had never been the same again. All that unnatural cheerfulness... it was terrifying!

But now, she had a class to teach.

As she threw open the doors to the Great Hall, a hush fell over the students, who had been frolicking joyfully in their blissful absense of a teacher. She strode briskly to the front of the room, glaring at them each individually, daring them silently to mutter the briefest comment. They stared back at her, as if death was staring them in the face.

"Sex," she announced, "is a perfectly normal occurence." She began to single them out, pointing to them with an outstretched finger. "_Your _parents did it, _your_ parenets did it," her finger swung around to face the three Weasy children present, "_Your_ parents have barely risen from the bedsheets since they were married!"

Fred and George oggled at her in horror. Ron aquired a far away expression and Harry thought he saw his friend's eye begin to twitch. It had been doing that regularely since these lessons had began.

"You alright, mate?" he muttered.

"Yeah," Ron replied under his breath. "Mental image... I think I may be next to need the Hospital Wing."

"The Malfoy boy of course isn't here right now," Madame Pomfrey continued, "but the stories I could tell you about his father...!"

She launched into a shocking story of lust and betrayal about Malfoy's father. Harry listened attentively.

"... Surprised it didn't fall off," Madame Pomfrey concluded, "and that is how Mr. Malfoy led us to the discovery of Wizard Syphilis. Now enough chit chat on with the lesson."

Forty five agonizingly long minutes later the bell rang and the students raced each other for the door, as if all the demons were on their heels.

XXXX

Hermione, Ron and Harry raced each other to the Gryffindor common room, each failing to conceal their own horror. They walked in and sat in their usual seats, the first and second years had gone to bed leaving everyone else to contemplate the traumatizing events of the past week. The silence was broken by Ginny Weasley who had come down stairs to ask the trio how their lesson went.

"How was the lesson?"

Ron stood up from his place pointing his finger looking determined to finally get the torturous ordeal over with "Ginny..."

Ron was correct in his assumption that he would be the next one to visit the Hospital Wing...

They all looked down at Ron's limp twitching body. "Should we take him to the Hospital Wing?" asked Hermione.

Harry and Ginny both tiredly shook their heads and went up to their respective dormitories, Hermione followed.

**Summer: Not our best work, but we wanted to put something up. The next one will be a magical ride through time and space, to make up.**

**Mandy: Please go on our profile and answer our poll question.**

**Summer: We would luurve to hear your opinions on the issue. Also... review and make the world a better place.**


	7. Sex Ed: Death Eater Style!

**Summer: Good news is we managed to close the portal, bad news is my face will never look the same again.**

**Mandy: I killed Bella! Sorry about your face.**

**Summer: Naw, I think I like it better this way. It looks pretty badass, in a misshapen, chewed-on kind of way.**

Professor Severus Snape was sitting in his private quarters sipping hot chocolate (He would never admitt this but the old man was rubbing off on him) and reading a Nancy Drew Mystery when his right arm just above his wrist began to burn. He knew what that meant: either Lord Voldemort was in need of his services, or his rash was starting up again. He blamed the Wizard Herpes Epidemic of '64. He sullenly put his book on the table and finished his hot chocolate in one gulp and flooed to Malfoy manor, were he knew the Dark Lord was waiting. When he arrived, he found (just as he expected) the Dark Lord at the head of the Malfoy dining table with all his Death Eaters around him.

"Aww, Severus so glad you could join us on such short notice." Voldemort greeted as Snape walked through the flames.

Severus wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a small smile appear on his face. But he must have been mistaken. With a shake of his head, he banished that thought from his mind because the only day Voldemort smiled would be the day he saw Harry Potter dead at his feet. "Of coarse my Lord, is there anything I can do for you?" Snape asked.

"Well, yes, actually there is, you see Lucius here has heard from Draco that Dumbledore has started teaching the students Healthy Sexual Education. It's an abomination."

"I agree my lord, corrupting the poor students that way..."

"No," Interrupted Voldemort, "I mean they have aquired all this information that we lack."

"My Lord, you don't know how...?" Severus trailed off akwardly.

"No, unfortunately I have yet to discover such wonders. Though I've been looking for years." Voldemort looked over at Bellatrix Lestrange who kicked her husband under the table (he kept interupting her aid in the Dark Lord's search.) Voldemort mumbled something along the lines of "so many failed attempts..."

"I want you to tell me all the information that you possess about baby-making," Voldemort commanded.

Severus shifted uncomfortably. He did not relish the thought of giving this talk again. This time, to a room full of people who knew how to kill him. "My Lord, I am honored that this task is bestowed on me... however, _Lucius_ is far more knowledgeable on this particular topic than I."

The Dark Lord's eyes narrowed. "This did occur to me, and I _tried_ to obtain information from Lucius, but he has disappointed me yet again."

"Yes, um, ahem. I don't actually remember much of my escapades, you see," said Lucius, "It was the Wizard Herpes Epidemic of '64 and all." He rubbed his rash under the table, which looked odd because it was located on his inner thigh. Then, he rubbed his other rash.

Which was on his wife.

"Well, Severus?" asked Voldemort. Belatrix nodded eagerly.

Severus took a breath and steeled himself for what he knew he must endure a second time. "My Lord, when a man and a woman love each other very much..." he began, using the standard introduction that most parents employed these days. "They..." panic welled up in his mind and he found himself babbling, "they watch trashy romantic comedies together. Um, naked. There, that's sex."

"Ahhh," the Death Eaters chorused. Voldemort waggled his eyebrows at Belatrix.

Severus thought he could guess how they would be spending their night.

"You've done well Severus." Voldemort stated not taking his eyes off Bellatrix.

"My Lord, I must be getting back to Hogwarts, I must devise more punishments for Harry Potter and finish my biography on Miley Cyrus. "

Before Snape flooed out he herd Voldemort say

"Yaxley, go to the muggle store and find purchase all the romantic comedies you can find."

With a shudder, Snape returned to his private chambers and picked up his Nancy Drew and did his best to block out the happenings of that evening.

**Summer: Ten points to anyone who can guess who gave Snape Wizard Herpes.**

**Mandy: Don't forget to answer our poll.**


	8. Lockheart's Quizz

**Mandy: Ladles and cauldrons asked us a couple of questions so to answer the first one, hell is very hot I have a sun burn at the moment and I can't seem to get rid of it. It's been their for fifteen years of my life.**

**Summer: Your second question was about whether Mandy and I are friends or siblings or some other mysterious, scandalous type of relationship... Sorry to tell you this, dearie, but that question cannot be answered. Each of us only exists in the other's imagination.**

**Mandy:And the last was wether or not Snape was a virgin. Well you see he isn't because your initiation to the Death Eaters is sleeping with Voldemort.**

**Summer: That's one of the more dark, uncovered secrets of their organization... As to who slept with Snape to give him Wizard Herpes, it was no one, actually. Lucius Malfoy coughed on him.**

**Mandy: To YourtheTiggertomyWinnie, thank you for guessing. You were correct. And for the Dark Mark being on the left arm, you were correct once again.**

**Summer: Thank you to everyone else who read and reviewed. Oh, we realized we haven't been using disclaimers for quite a while...**

**Mandy: We own absolutely nothing. We've been over this. No dignity, no sanity, and no Harry Potter. But we do own Blunt and to the Point.**

With a swirl of sliken fabric, and the gleam of obsessively bleached teeth, a joyous Professor Lockheart and his thinly waxed eyebrows entered the Great Hall. Having been cured of his memory loss via therapy carried out by a number of cheerful young nurses who all happened to have shortened their uniforms, he was now delighted to have his old job back and being paid overtime for teaching this subject about which he was so knowledgeable. And he happily intended intended to spend the extra money on new head shots of himself, and ink with which to sign said head shots. You see, the two hundred and twenty different varieties of head shots he already had of himself simply were not enough.

"Fear not, class," he declared, "you have finally been supplied with a teacher who is well-practiced enough to be sufficiently competent to educate you about Enjoyable Sexual Education."

Hermione raised her hand. "Professor, I believe this class is called _Healthy_ Sexual Education."

"Hush dear, have a headshot," remarked Lockheart, waving her off with a twiddle of his shiningly buffed fingernails.

Hermione, although not too fond of the man now, was still quite overcome by his looks. After making sure none of her cohorts were watching her, she tucked the headshot she had been handed lovingly into the left side of her bra. It was pink and patterned with inspiring quotes from renowned magical writers.

"Now children," Lockheart went on, "as to the matter of love-making it is as simple as this: some are born for the task, and some are not. For the sake of testing your understanding, I shall pass out a mild pre-test. Take your time as necessary!"

A stack of scented lavender paper levitated into the isle between tables and distributed itself to each of the students. Harry regarded the test dubiously and grudgingly began to fill out his answers.

**#1 On a scale of one to ten, how good looking is Professor Lockheart?  
**Negative infinity thousand and fifty a million.

**#2 How many women has Professor Lockheart had? How many men? (Extra Credit: How many dogs?)  
**Zero females. He ferociously bangs men upon sight, regardless of time or place.

**#3 What is the size of Professor Lockheart's doohicky/wand, etc...?  
**Nonexsistent/ I was not aware he had one.

**#4 Who is your favorite actress?  
**Helena Bonham Carter (she's such an inspiration. Just look at her rack).

**#5 Team Edward or Team Jacob?  
**Well, Jacob's dreamy, and have you seen his abs?... But then again, he doesn't sparkle...

**#6 What do you most value in the opposite sex?  
**I like Asians, redheads, women who could be my mother.

**#7 Any advice on what Professor Lockheart can do to make his lonely night fun more enjoyable?  
**Twister.

**#8 What do think of the Obama administration?  
**He's got a hot wife, which is more than any of the previous Presidents can say.

**#9 Is it normal for a certain dashingly handsome Professor to have enjoyed playing with Barbies in his youth?  
**Sure, if this certain Professor is Dumbledore.

**#10 What treatment would you recommend for uncomfortable rashes on awkward areas on the body, possibly obtained by frolicking with the nurses who oversaw the reinstatement of your memory?  
**Not frolicking anymore nurses until that rash is gone. Whore. P.S.: Professor Lockheart, I would deeply appreciate it if this test didn't happen to fall into the hands of one, Cho Chang. Sincerely, Harry Potter.

"Professor? Haven't we already taken this test? Number two looks familiar." asked some Ravenclaw Harry just couldn't remember the name of as he looked up from his newly completed test.

"Oh no, dear child, you are mistaken," Lockheart said happily, "that was on Professor Snape and you all failed. With the exception of Miss Granger."

Hermione beamed.

The merciful bell resounded throughout the halls of Hogwarts, releasing the grateful students once again from their captivity.

**Mandy: We mean no disrespect to Helena Bonham Carter and Michelle Obama.**

**Summer: Actually, we just love them both to pieces. We wish all of you a very scary Christmas in which Jack Skellington decides to fill in for Santa. And happy Kwanza, and Chanukka, and, um, joy to the world! And good will towards men! And Skeletons impersonating beloved Mr. Claus! We're not homophobic, ladies and gents. Just thought I'd throw that in there in order to avoid any nasty misconceptions... I'm actually a bit heterophobic.**


	9. Constant Vigilance

**Mandy: We apologize profusely for the long wait for these chapters.**

**Summer: We both go to different schools which pile us with obscene amounts of homework. Also I seem to be having a problem with computer viruses and sometimes, Mandy's internet service likes to play hard to get. This 'un's gonna be a doozy, though.**

**Mandy: We own nothing. No dignity. No pants.**

**Summer: Oh, would you look at that... we _don't_ have pants. When did we lose our pants?**

**Mandy: When we played strip poker with our friends Satan and his damned souls in hell. You had one too many cocktails. At our cocktail party. With cocktails.**

**Summer: Ah, yes. That would explain it. Who won?**

**Mandy: Nobody. We all lost our pants.**

"Constant vigilance!" Moody growled, standing at the head of the Great Hall late Monday evening.

His students scrutinized this apparent lunatic, their terror displayed proudly on each face, none of them attempting to conceal it any longer. Moody eye-balled them back, surveying the room menacingly. A joyous glare sparkled in the electric blue orb that he had carefully placed in his eye socket that morning. He hoped dearly that none of them would realize that it was, in truth, only a rubber bouncy ball which he had purchased from that glorious muggle invention, the quarter machine, the previous week.

"Young wizards like yourselves need to be aware of and able to protect yourself against the female species," he went on, "One thing of the utmost importance: never leave your wand hanging about in the presence of a female. She will take it from you. Trust me, I know. I've met death eaters with dozens of male gizmos floating in jars in their attic."

The children watched as he became lost in thought, the lines of his most painful memory etching themselves in his tortured face and lighting a lusty glow in the plastic blue glitter of his super ball eye.

"I didn't just lose an eye and a leg that day," he whispered, as if to a shadow of a dream, "Bellatrix Lestrange is a sadistic bitch."

"Professor?" Hermione ventured timidly.

At this, Moody snapped back to attention. The bouncy ball roved the room, making sure no one else had lost focus as he had. "The other important thing to remember," he announced, "is to always protect yourself. Other teachers will preach abstinence. The Ministry, in fact, warns me not to tell you these things, but this is a matter of life and death. I have it straight from the Head Master himself, that he wishes you to learn these things. Sex can call up the most disgusting array of horrors any of you can scarcely imagine. The worst of these..." he glanced about the room, as if to make sure that no higher power could be listening in... "_pregnancy_."

There was a collective gasp from the occupants of the Great Hall.

"Closely seconded by wizard herpes," Moody added, "and thirded by wizard syphilis. If you'd like to know more about that, ask Mr. Malfoy to write a letter to his father about it. Or go to Professor Dumbledore, who has an extensive amount of knowledge pertaining to wizard herpes."

Harry wondered what ancient books of lore Dumbledore had fearlessly delved into in order to obtain such elusive information. He immediately launched into a rather delightful daydream.

"Now, there are spells, protective charms what can defend you from these terrible ends. I shall need someone to help me demonstrate. Any volunteers?"

No one answered.

"Mister Longbottom?"

He looked around for Neville and did not find him. He had seen this coming and commenced cowering under a table. And rightly so, most of his classmates thought.

"Come along, we all lose our first wand eventually. I'm sure Madame Pomfrey can reinstate it, she's done wonders for me."

Silence continued to dominate.

"One of you lot's gonna have to volunteer because I can't use Mrs. Norris again. Let's just say she used to be Mr. Norris... Now I get the evil eye every time I pass Filch in the hallway. If looks could kill, my friends, if looks could kill."

Nothing.

"Well then. I guess I'll just have to choose one of you myself. _Castrato!_" A jet of hot pink light light was blasted into the crowd.

Students dove aside blindly, thinking only to save themselves, having no regard for who they knocked into along the way. The pink light darted around the room at several awkward angles, trailing screaming children in its wake. It finally hit Millicent Bullstrode, who proceeded to shriek in agony and roll about on the floor which suddenly became very scarlet.

"I knew that wasn't a cat's hair..." Hermione murmured.

Moody meanwhile had become so frustrated with their lack of willingness to lose their vital organs that he began jumping about spazztically. His sparkling blue "eye" popped out of his head, into the hands of Draco Malfoy, who had been flailing by in a panick, screeching like the girl that most of his peers suspected he was.

Mad Eye made the tip of his wand well acquainted with Draco's throat. (A/N: The real wand. Wooden one, not the one in the pants. Just a little friendly reminder.) "I'd be giving that back if I were you, boy. Unless you and your inner ferret would like to have a nice reunion with Mr. Goyle's groin."

The chaos came to a halt. The students fell silent once more.

Draco squinted at the bouncy ball and read the hidden scripture engraved on the surface. "Made in China?"

The chaos began again. In his rage, Moody blared a number of unpleasant, little-known curses at Draco, _castrato_ featuring prominently, though it seemed to be ineffective. Malfoy fled, Moody pursued him. Somewhere along the way, Malfoy dropped the bouncy ball, which began bouncing everywhere.

Moody gave a shout of vexation. "One hundred points to the house member who catches my eye!"

For one second, all was still, before shouts of "Catch Mad Eye's _ball_!" left the calm fractured and twitching once more. This ensued until the bell rang, releasing yet another batch of traumatized students running and screaming loose in the castle, and Professor Moody to catch his ball all on his lonesome.

**Summer: Guess how many reviews the last chapter got?**

**Mandy: -in sad, whiny voice- Zero!**

**Summer: That's right folks, a whopping total of zip, nada, _le rien_. And just so we're clear, my dears, I no longer wish to marry you. Sorry, but I had to say it.**

**Mandy: It's a hard truth, but you had to do it.**


	10. Harry Potters TightyWhities

**Summer: Sorry we haven't been on in a while, but we have had alot of school work and stress.**

**Mandy: Also we're procrastinating losers.**

**Summer: Yeah, that too. Guess what though! I found my sanity!... it was dead in my closet...**

**Mandy: We should have a fueneral for it.**

**Summer: I'm way ahead of you! -pulls casket out of pocket- **

**Mandy: Okay... change of subject. We do not own Harry Potter.**

Professor McGonagall entered the Great Hall in quite a state of agitation. She was no fonder of this sex ed program than when it had began, and _now_ there was a new obsession of the Head Master's to deal with. It sounded to some of the students as though she could be heard muttering about "people singing and dancing in spandex cat suits."

She must, they thought, be off her rocker. Cho Chang whispered to her friend Marietta that she wouldn't be surprised if McGonagall was the next for Madame Pomfrey.

The Professor turned to face her class, who looked like they had just stumbled upon Hagrid's spidery friend, Aragog (naked). Their cringing pallor was almost enough to make her think that they were dreading this lesson more than she was. Neville Longbottom was looking particularly faint.

Her sharp cat's eyes gave the students a quick once-over before she fixed Hermione with a terrifying stare and demanded, "Miss Granger, where are your two imbecile friends?"

"Professor?"

"Those two blundering apes you hang about with."

Hermione quivered. "Harry and Ron?"

"No, the other two."

"They never came down to breakfast this morning. I assumed they were ill," Hermione answered, horrified at not being able to properly answer her Professor's question for the first time in her life.

McGonagall pursed her lips (which never boded well for the pupils). "Alright. Thomas! Finnigan!"

Approximately one hundred necks craned toward Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan, who were flinching at one of the back tables.

"We don't know, Professor," said Seamus innocently, his eyes roaming about the Great Hall, not unlike the magical superball eye of Professor Moody in the previous lesson. Dean threw a hand over his face, afraid that McGonagall's eyes would manage to burn holes in it. His hand was followed by the rest of his body, which keeled over and toppled from his chair.

"Don't lie to me!" McGonagall screeched, "Where are Potter and Weasely?"

Seamus scrutinized his lap. Dean lay silent on the floor.

McGonagall folded her arms. "Very well. Detention... With Moody!"

"We'll tell, we'll tell! cried Dean.

"They're hiding in the dormitory, under the bed," Seamus explained miserably, "They're having a party! _With chocolate cake!_"

"And balloons!" Dean sobbed.

The students watched, awash with dread for their fellow students (except for Malfoy, who had followed all of this with glee) as the Deputy Headmistress stormed from the room. She flung open the massive oaken doors of the Great Hall, a flurry of swirling robes and blistering fury.

XXX

Harry and Ron were immensely pleased with themselves. They blissfully believed that they had fooled the formidable Professor McGonagall and were indeed having a party with chocolate cake. And balloons.

"No sex ed today!" said Ron around a bulging mouthful of caky goodness.

was about to agree, when an irresistible force suddenly seized them both by their tighty-whities and promtly yanked them from under Neville's bed, despite their desperate scrabbling at the floor and pleas for release.

Professor McGonagall proceeded to make a great show of dragging Harry and Ron through the castle, still suspended painfully by their panties, taking the long way to the Great Hall. Many first and second years looked on in bemused wonder. Many parents of Hogwarts students received boastful letters home that week that their children had, in fact, laid eyes on the Boy Who Lived in his quiditch patterned unmentionables. Many of them claimed suspicion that the little snitches and bludgers had been drawn on by Potter himself, with glow-in-the-dark magic marker.

When the excruciating journey was over, McGonagall hurled them into their seats with surprising force for a woman of her unusually thin size. "Now that Mister Potter and Mister Weasely have chosen to grace us with their presence, we may begin the lesson."

Never was a room more full of terrified children ever glimpsed by mortal eyes.

The teacher's wand slashed through the air, and every student looked down to find that a small, square-shaped package and a good sized cucumber had appeared on the table in front of them.

"Today," McGonagall stated grimly, "we shall be doing _condom demonstrations._"

The students looked around at each other. What was this fresh horror?

She picked up a small square package and explained " this is what muggles call a condom, it protects against sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. They come in different sizes, _small, medium, large_ and for those exceptionally lucky wizards _x-large._

She acquired a glassy look in her eye like she was in the mists of a very pleasing memory. With a small shake of her head and the traces of a smile still on her face she contiued with the lesson.

"Now, nobody volunteered to help with Professor Moody's demonstration..."

At that, there was a distinctive clunk on the stone floor as Neville Longbottom fell off his seat in the fetal position.

"I will have to use this cucumber." She carried on, ignoring the poor boy's insistence that he simply would not take any more sex ed lessons.

"Before I continue, I must urge you gentlemen, in your free time, to measure your... wand so you may buy the correct size condom. As Moody would say, you must always be vigilant."

"How do we measure?" asked some Slytherin Harry didn't know, but knew he hated.

"How should I know? I'm not a wizard, I am a witch. Write home to your fathers and ask or go see the headmaster. I know he would be more then pleased to show you. Now. What you do is... Well, you simply, pick up the cucumber, or _other_ object, and..."

There was an appalling silence, in which an alarming amount of color flooded Professor McGonagall's face. She suddenly threw her hands to the sky and yelled, "Oh, heaven, I can't do this! I'm getting too old for this job! Practice amongst yourselves." With that, she flew from the room and the students that she now suddenly found so revolting, with impressive speed.

Shortly after her departure, she popped her head back in the door of the Great Hall, to announce, "By the way, you will be having a substitute tomorrow, as Professor Dumbledore has insisted on taking the entire faculty, to a showing of the Muggle musical, CATS. Potter, Weasley. You have detention with Professor Snape."

**Summer: We suck!**

**Mandy: Why is that?**

**Summer: We didn't make one joke about genitalia, not one.**

**Mandy: True; but we have the rest of the story to corrupt our dear, dear readers.**

**Summer: They deserve it after they rejected me.**

**Mandy: I think we should go now before Summer goes into one of her rants.**

**Summer: Flips Mandy off.**

**Mandy: Be lucky you don't have to live with her. Adios till we meet again.**


	11. A Bus Ride to Hell!

**Summer: It's getting to the point here where we're going to our vacation home in hell, just to cool down.**

**Mandy: Thank god. My brain is fried.**

**Summer: Does it happen to look like we're surrounded by mirrors to you?**

**Mandy: Oh. Is that the reason why there's so many of us?**

**Summer: Well, I see reflected hallucinations of you walking around all the time. But ones of me, that's just weird. Erik! Did you lock us in your torture chamber AGAIN?**

**-A tall masked man in a long cloak walks in through one of the mirrored-doors, stares at them, flips off Summer and Mandy, and leaves-**

**Mandy: Fine! Then you're grounded for a week and I'm taking your punjab.**

**Erik: Ooh. I'm so scared.**

**Summer: Where are your manners? Can't you see we have guests?**

**Erik: -looks around at readers- Can I punjab one?**

**Summer: No, you are not strangling any of the readers.**

**Mandy: until you let us out of here.**

**Summer: Mandy!**

**Mandy: What? I can't tell which one is the real me anymore!**

**Erik: Come on, just let me kill ONE little reader, and then I'll let the rest go free.**

**Summer: That's what you said last time.**

**Mandy: Let him take the scrawny one.**

**Summer: While we fight with our phantom, please enjoy our story. Review or Erik will be set loose on the lot of you. (We do not own Harry or Phantom of the Opera)**

**Mandy: Tata, cheerio!**

The faculty awoke one fine day to a beautiful autumn morning; the sun was shinning with not a single cloud in the sky and the birds were singing. But unfortunetly the teachers moods didn't match the cheery atmosphere because you see today was the day they were to go see the muggle musical CATS. They all silently cursed/attempted to murder (A/N -cough- cough- Snape, he just can't seem to get it right. Oh well third times the charm.) Professor Dumbledore and his passion for the fine arts. (A/N: -Cough-cough- men in spandex cat suits).

As per Dumbledore's informative memo, they all gathered on the soggy banks of the Black Lake, to find a neon pink and garishly green spotted school bus, awaiting them. Most of them winced as they climbed aboard to find the Headmaster perched happily in the driver's seat waiting for them in his favorite sunshine-yellow catsuit.

"Ahoy, musical goers!" he crowed as they argued over who had to sit next to Professor Trelawny, "I trust you are all well excited for this voyage of dancing and showtunes!"

The teachers finally forced Snape into the seat beside the beaming Trelawny and sat down, grumbling.

"Now," continued Dumbledore, "if I could only figure out how to get this damned contraption started. I remember the days when you could simply rent a dinosaur to get where you needed to go. Whatever happened to those good old dinosaurs? I used to have one named Sir Elton!"

"The muggles blew them to pieces sir," interjected Snape.

"Albus, why exactly did we not simply apparate to this muggle production?" asked McGonagall, timid with fear of the answer.

"The bus is so pretty," cooed Dumbledore, running a loving hand over the zebra-print steering wheel, "Now who would like to help me get it going?"

Surprisingly enough, there was no surplus of volunteers.

"I know you have to use this key thing, but where to put it? Oh yes I see." Dumbledore said sticking the key into the ignition. Suddenly the bus roared to life and Rebecca Black's "Friday" came on the radio.

Bouncing in his seat Dumbledore screamed, "OMG I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG!"

Madame Hooch was the first to have enough. "That's it" she announced over the screeching of Dumbledore's duet with Rebecca Black, "I've had it! I'm getting off this bus."

Dumbledore's face suddenly became a picture of violent rage. His blue eyes acquired a terrifying sparkle which hinted at the murder of the next professor to try to escape this bus shaped prison. He waved his wand (unconsciously poking Professor Flitwick in the eye as he did so) and many teachers became sick with fear as they heard the locks of the bus click and the emergency exits vanish.

"No one leaves," stated Dumbledore in a deadly growl, "We are going to see this play if it kills us all, and we are going to listen to Rebecca Black the whole goddamned way."

There a a brief silence, in which Dumbledore began to whimper and shortly burst into tears. "No one appreciates me!" he wailed, "I organize sex ed for the kids, I plan fun trips for us, and I bought us a pretty fucking bus, WITH A BATHROOM WITH A TOILET IN IT! And none of you ever says thankyou or stops to give me a hug once in a while, or even offers me a brandy!"

Hagrid, being kind of heart, produced a large bottle of liquor from his beard. "Brandy, Professor?" he offered.

Dumbledore nodded tearfully, accepted the bottle, and downed the entire thing in one gulp. He then smacked his lips, wiped his eyes with a flowery handkerchief, and revved the bus to life. A single stomp of his foot on the acceleration pedal sent them flying across the lawn.

"Albus!" McGonagall screeched, "You're going to hit someone!"

"No I won't!"

There was a rather squelchy bump in the road and what sounded like the death cry of a small adolescent.

"Merlin! I think we've run over a student!" Exclaimed Madame Pomfrey.

"Did we? I hope it was the Malfoy bastard!" laughed a now quite pleased (and tipsy) Professor Dumbledore.

They exited Hogwarts grounds and sped out to the muggle highway.

"I think the muggles have a law against drunken driving," Professor McGonagall pointed out shakily.

Dumbledore scoffed. "If the muggles had everything their way, there would be no old men in catsuits!"

"I may have to agree with them on that one," McGonagall admitted.

"Shut up, you old hag," commanded the Headmaster.

Rebecca Black continued to belt her lament to Dumbledore's sanity (and sobriety) over the speakers. The bus swerved into a side rail, collided with another vehicle, and blew up.

To Be Continued...

**Mandy: heheheheee.**

**Summer: Review!**


	12. Voldemort's Wand

**Mandy: So I see most of you didn't take our threat seriously.**

**Summer: That will prove to be a fatal mistake, as you find out next time you open your closet.**

**Mandy: Except for Swimdiva87. She (or he, I'm not judging) is now my new favorite reader because he (or she -again, not judging) reviewed.**

**Summer: This magnificent person of undetermined gender is now cordially invited to a quaint garden party at our summer home in hell. How is a garden possible, you may ask, in hell? Well, you shall never find out because you're not invited.**

**Mandy: A party? I love parties... DRINKS ALL AROUND!... I need to go buy a new hat.**

**Summer: We do not own Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, or a new hat as of yet.**

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"NOOOO"

These screams could be heard all over the Malfoy Manor.

"You can't keep it Bella, I need it back." Voldemort stated a bit agitated.

"Why? It's my favorite." Bellatrix Lestrange whined, and once again ran off through the manor with Voldemort behind her.

"Why didn't I just give it to Snape?" You-Know-Who thought after running up three flights of stairs still unable to catch the crazy women he was after. Her laughter was echoing through out the Manor mocking him.

"You'll never catch me," She screamed five stories above Voldemorts head. The Dark Lord had unwittingly allowed Bellatrix to keep his wand in her protection while he was not in his human form. Now however, he found her unwilling to return her new prized possession.

"That's it!" he shrieked in the face of the madly laughing Bellatrix, "I'll go look for it myself!" With that, he dissapparated.

Lucius turned to Bellatrix and asked, "Where's he gone?"

"My attic," she replied calmly, "It's where I keep all my victims wands." (Floating in jars).

A moment later, Voldemort rejoined them. "You are a sadistic bitch."

Bellatrix shrugged her sadistic shoulders and said, "I know."

Lucius made a little bow. "If you'll excuse me, My Lord," he said, "I have to go thank God I married the other sister. And buy my wife some flowers... And warn my son."

Thus rid of witnesses, Voldemort drew himself up to his full height and turned to the sadistic bitch. "I've decided," he announced, "that you can keep it a little longer. But I need it before I go to teach at Hogwarts."

**Summer: What does he mean? Is it possible that the Dark Lord could have accepted, much less been given, a teaching job at Hogwarts? Read on my loves... all will be revealed!**

**Mandy: And review.**


	13. Professor Moldemort

**Summer: "Friendship is two pals munching on a well cooked face together." -Llamas with Hats.**

**Mandy: What would you like on the side of your face. French fries or mashed potatoes?**

**Summer: I've grilled it well-done. Since I know that's how you like it.**

**Mandy: Yummy!**

**Summer: Gotta go eat our faces now. Don't own Llamas or Harry.**

**Mandy: Next time we should make face-cabobs!**

The students of Hogwarts joyfully skipped into the Great Hall for their Sex ed lesson. Never before and never again would they be happy for one of these lessons, but today a miracle had occurred. There was to be a substitute.

Fred and George were elated. They gleefully listed ways in which they could torture their substitute and divert attention from the class.

The big oaken doors swung open with a thunderous squeal to reveal the substitute awaiting his pupils. The man was exceptionally tall and thin. Two snake-like eyes were sunken in a startlingly pale face, which was scaly and noseless and topped off with what was quite obviously a wig. Possibly found in (or summoned from) the closet of Lady Gaga.

"Does he look a bit familiar to you?" whispered Harry to Ron and Hermione.

"No, can't say he does," replied Ron as Hermione shook her head. Harry squinted at the substitute, trying to determine where he had seen him before. Ah well, probably just one of those pesky adoring fans. Whoever he was, he looked like a nice fellow.

Never mind the fact that Harry's scar was on fire.

"Good mornin', class," boomed the teacher, in a clearly fake Southern American accent, "I am Professor Moldemort, and I'll be teaching y'all today. Would any of you kiddies like some mayonnaise?"

Hermione raised her hand. "Sir, is it true that we have a substitute today because all of the teachers are seeing CATS?"

"Yes of course dear, have a lollipop," beamed Moldemort. Hermione accepted the lollipop, which was an acidic green color and seemed to have a chewy center of scorpion venom. It was also smoking dangerously. Hermione did not eat it because she was trying to watch her figure.

Professor Moldemort sat down propping his legs up on the desk, and taking care to put his feet on Dumbledore's staff picture.

"So what are you kids watching on TV these days?"

"Professor, aren't you supposed to be teaching us about healthy sexual education?" A scrawny Huffelpuff asked.

Pulling out his wand Professor Moldemort shrieked "Avada Kedavra!" The scrawny Huffelpuff fell over, leaving the majority of the class to assume that he had simply been unable to handle the professor's overwhelming Southernness. (The few that were aware of his death chose to ignore it. He had never been well liked anyways.)

Professor Moldemort displayed a charming smile. "So. Any of you catch the latest _Glee_?"

Harry Potter could hardly believe his ears. _Finally_ a teacher who shared his passion for singing twenty-something-year-olds pretending to be highschool kids in cheerleading uniforms! Before he knew it, words were forcing their way from his mouth as irresistibly as Dobby in the wake of a bright orange sock. "I DID! Could you believe Santana this week? I mean I knew the Cheerios were soulless whores, but come on!"

The professor leaned forward with a look of profound understanding, and exclaimed, "Well, no wonder with coach Sue as a role model right? The only good one is Quinn, she's smokin'! Um, if ever you should happen upon a certain Bellatrix Lestrange, don't tell her that Professor Moldemort said that, okay?"

The rest of the class watched them in an uncomfortable mixture of revulsion and pity as Harry and Moldemort gabbled about their favorite show. Pansy Parkinson muttered something about Quinn being a bitch for keeping Finn to herself and the only good character being Kurt.

The Professor and Harry were just on the verge of jumping up on on their respective desks and belting out their rendition of _Defying Gravity_ when an enormous trap door swung open in the enchanted ceiling, releasing one thousand pounds of Brazilian Instant Drunkenness Powder on the heads of the class. All heads, in a last, fleeting moment of sobriety, turned towards Fred and George.

"Ih wazzn us," slurred Fred, giggling as his twin landed on the floor in a fit of drunken chortles.

The havoc continued as the entire teaching staff of Hogwarts apparated into the Great Hall. Several of them displayed singed robes, bruised faces, and various other signs of bodily damage. But by far the most ravaged was clearly Professor Dumbledore, who toddled miserably over to the man who had so compassionately offered to substitute in the place of his heinously under-appreciative staff, and laid his sad old head on the man's shoulder. Despite the constant insertions of muffled sobs, these hysteric words could distinctly be heard:

"I plan a field trip, I hire a pretty bus, I treat the world to a view of my cat suit... and what happens? My staff mocks me. My cat suit gets ripped. And my bus blows up! _With my Rebecca Black CD in it!_"

Professor Moldemort was kind enough to place a few awkward pats on Dumbledore's shoulder. It was then that the Headmaster looked tearfully up, and discovered something that changed his opinion on the substitute entirely.

Moldemort was totally sexy!

"Heyyy," drawled the enchanted Dumbledore, "you're preeety!"

Professor Moldemort, completely oblivious, looked rather flattered. "Why thank you, Professor."

The children and teachers watched in what could scarcely be called surprise as Professor Dumbledore through himself passionately on the substitute, and then proceeded to chase him around the Great Hall in a frenzy of excitement and sexual starvation.

"Hem hem."

The populace of the Great Hall, as one, turned their heads in horror only to behold the sight most vastly dreaded in the corridors of Hogwarts. Professor Umbridge, the fearsome toad in a cardigan, had chosen that moment to make her presence known to her most unwilling pupils and coworkers. The pinkly clad amphibian marched up to where Dumbledore had frozen in the act of sticking his tongue down Moldemort's throat, and announced, "Professor Dumbledore (ribbit) I am demoting you to the position of (ribbit) school counselor. Not because you are trying to rape this man, but because (ribbit) I really do dislike you. Toodles! Oh, hello children."

And she hopped ominously through the swinging doors.

The ensuing tantrum was tumultuous enough to make even the bravest of wizards shrink away from Professor Dumbledore over the following week.

**Summer: Ok. Sorry we took so long with this one. But it was worth it, right?**

**Mandy: Oh and by the way our little threat still stands, if you don't review we will let Erik loose and he's been itching to punjab somebody.**

**Summer: Oh yes. He's locked me in his torture chamber sixteen times this week. Now review if you value your sanity!**


End file.
